Thursday, June 30, 2011


I'm really good at metaphors, similes, comparisons, analogies, etc. Quite often, they only make sense to me. However, Mr. understands my metaphors. It's just one of the many reminders that I married the right man for me. So, here's the deal:

I mentioned earlier how I'm not used to taking pills and getting shots that make me feel worse. I'm really lucky that Mr. gives me the shot each morning because I really really hate how out of it they make me feel. Not to mention the pills and other glorious side effects (I've gained 8 pounds in a week. Yay bloating.)

Have you ever seen Harry Potter 6? At the end, Harry and Dumbledore go to this gloomy, evil island and Dumbledore tells Harry to make him drink the entire potion they find there regardless of how much he begs Harry to stop. A pretty intense scene follows of Dumbledore freaking out about having to take the nasty stuff, but it's all for the end goal. I mentioned this analogy to Mr. this morning and he told me we could re-enact it tomorrow morning. I get to writhe and sob and altogether freak out while he (all dramatically) says things like, "Just one more! I promise you can be done after just this next one!)

Oddly enough, I'm quite looking forward to the theatrics tomorrow. :)

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Marry a Good Man

While I'm aware the previous post sounds like I'm able to make light of this situation and laugh about it, the truth is that this is hard. It's already much harder than I originally thought it would be. I am amazed by and in love with the man who found me worthy of his affection, dedication, and fidelity for eternity. This texting conversation just happened:

Me: Did I already tell you that? I swear I'm losing my mind.
Him: Yes. Deep breath! You can do this!
Me: Babe, my life is so absolutely out of my control.
Him: ....Let me take control of it? :)

I love him. He is my rock.

I think I'm going to make him a t-shirt that says "I survived [insert list of my meds here] and all I got was this lousy t-shirt. (And a baby!)"

The man is a saint.

I'm losing it

These meds are really starting to get to me. It's such an odd phenomenon. I am so used to getting shots or taking pills to make myself feel BETTER, not worse! It's weird to have to psyche myself up to get a shot or take pills that I know are going to make me feel icky and out of it all day long.

Our original plan, because we knew the meds were going to be bad, was to lay low during these six weeks and not really see anyone to avoid any embarrassing and potentially harmful conversations. Remember plans? Yep, this one has also been completely obliterated.

My father-in-law disagreed with something I had done and let me know it about 2 months ago. We agreed to disagree and left it at that. Somehow it got brought up again, and the next thing I know I was screaming at the top of my lungs at him. My FATHER-IN-LAW. 15 minutes later I was sobbing uncontrollably because I couldn't believe how disrespectful I was. Worrying that he would never forgive me. And all around being a total wreck. Shortly after, we arrived at a dinner for my work where I tried to not sob into my filet mignon.

Slightly before that little episode, Mr. and I had to make a run to Wal-mart for a few things for a baby shower I was throwing for a friend. (She's a really good friend. Otherwise, I wouldn't inflict such pain onto myself. Pretty proud that I made it through 2 hours of baby stories without losing it.) Anyhow, in Wal-mart, I was in the party supply aisle and there was a multitude of large people everywhere. I noticed one, and then another, and another, and another and they all seemed to be exactly where I needed to be!

And so I had a complete meltdown, (with full on waterworks, naturally), because there were fat, slow people in my way.

And I said that.

Out loud.

And Mr. corralled me into the car. So as to avoid being smacked like I most assuredly deserved.

What's worse is that in the next 4 weeks, both sides of our family will be staying with us at one time or another. On Thursday, my sister-in-law was having some serious medical issues and was put on bedrest. Because it's really not fun being on bedrest with 5 roommates, we offered to let her stay in our guest room. Which is totally great. We love her. Over the weekend, her boyfriend slept downstairs on our couch. Which is also totally great. Monday morning, she went back to the hospital to check the progress of her condition, and they admitted her for the rest of the week. Because the situation got a whole lot more serious than we originally thought it was, my mother-in-law flew into town that night. (The night of the work dinner) So now the sister-in-law is sleeping in the hospital, and my mother-in-law is sleeping in the guest bedroom. Which is also totally great. My mother-in-law is an angel who always knows exactly what to say and how to make me laugh at any given time.

We love our family dearly. We do. My family will be here late Thursday night for the 4th of July weekend. I'm not sure where they'll be staying because there's no guarantee that my sister-in-law will be out of the hospital by then and I'm not about to kick out my mother-in-law. Plus, entertaining 1 person who is at the hospital all day is a heck of a lot easier than entertaining six people who have absolutely nothing to do all day and are bummed that I have to work on Friday.

The family leaves Monday morning, at which point we have to drive 40 minutes to another sister-in-law's house for a barbecue on the 4th. [Please understand that any of these activities would be FINE and GREAT on their own. It's when they all pile up one after another in addition to the lovely shots and pills that I can't handle it.]

Tuesday, I'm teaching a cooking class at church.

Wednesday, I'm teaching a private web-design lesson.

Thursday, I'm working on a benefit concert for a friend of mine whose family was just involved in a tragic car accident.

THEN, another sister-in-law is coming up to stay with us for a volleyball camp at the local university and will be here all week.

After that, Mr. will be graduating with his bachelor's degree from that same university and I'm pretty sure I'm forgetting something. OH! Yes, my mom will be coming into town for the 2 "Princess Days" after transfer. Right now, I'm really wondering if I even want her there! [I do. I know I do. I just wish everyone else would get out of my house until then.]

Speaking of which, on Sunday, I got a new calling. I'm now the first counselor in the Primary presidency. Previously, when I've been asked to teach in the Primary, I spend all of Sacrament meeting watching the tears roll off my cheeks and into my lap, find a random substitute or rely on the incredible kindness of others and cry myself to sleep after leaving church early. I just have a really hard time being around kids sometimes. I walked in the door after getting the new calling and Mr. asked me how my meeting with the bishop went. I ignored him and walked upstairs.

He said, "Babe! Come down here so we can talk about it!"

and I, in all of my emotionally stable glory said, "I CAN'T COME DOWN THERE BECAUSE THEY [the sister in law and her boyfriend] ARE DOWN THERE AND I'M GOING TO LOSE IT."

And then I walked up the stairs and slammed the bedroom door, sobbing. I really need the house to myself. [Mr. is always allowed tho.]

And ya wanna know what the main thing is on my mind? It's been WEEKS since the Mr. and I had any sort of "fun" in the bedroom. [Curse you lu.pron and your stupid vaginal flashes...mood swings, etc.] Having other people in the house doesn't make it any easier to relax!

Probably TMI, but I'm 99% sure me and the Mr. are the only ones who read this. :)

Looking forward to:
  • Last BCP on Saturday! WOO! Hello clear skin! 
  • Brad Paisley and David Archuleta concert on Saturday! 
  • The 2 tubs of potato salad in my fridge that I know my family won't touch. :) 
  • A seminar by our incredible Dr. tonight. I just have to make it through 2.5 more hours 
  • The Harry Potter premiere. Mr. and I will be dressing up. Our costumes will be pretty outrageous.  

Monday, June 27, 2011


It's kind of a weird thing to have needles delivered to your door. It also took me by surprise that we didn't need to sign for them and they were OK just leaving them on the doorstep when no one was home.

I was convinced that we started the shots on Friday morning. Thursday night right before bed, I glanced up at the calendar on our bedroom mirror and noticed that the big green "go" box highlighting the shots was on Saturday. So I slept easy for one more night. I really don't like needles.

Friday, we realized that Saturday morning, I would be working in the temple - right when I was supposed to have the first shot. The following sentence came out of Mr.'s mouth: "Well, that's ok! You could just easily give yourself the shot on one of your breaks."

That didn't go over so well.

And so, at 4:45 on Saturday morning, Mr. got the shot ready and stuck me. It was so not as bad as I was expecting it to be! He did such a good job. A friend of mine told me that she has her husband put the shot in as she's exhaling and that seems to help. She also said that she lets the medicine warm up [in the syringe, out of the fridge] for about 5 minutes before the injection. We've always been in too much of a hurry to wait for that, but I'd really like to try it because all 3 shots I've had have left me pretty sore. She also said that she's tried standing up, laying down, and sitting up. She prefers sitting up, I prefer laying down. I think it's because I can relax more.

So what's your trick?

Have you come across anything that makes injections a breeze?

P.S. We are less than a month away from our tentative transfer date!! 

Tuesday, June 21, 2011


The first shipment of medicine is on its way to our house. (I'm told that normally there is only 1 shipment of medicine per IVF cycle, but we're going to have 2 for financial reasons.) It's all seeming real to me now. I still don't think it will really hit me until Friday morning when I take the first shot. I'm still trying to figure out if I want Mr. to do it, or if I'm going to do it myself. I don't take to needles very well, but maybe I would like having the control. Maybe I would like this to be something Mr. can do for me, so he feels more involved and connected to me throughout this process.

In other news, my face looks like a mountain range. It's gross. I wash my face every morning, night, and sometimes right when I get home from work just for good measure. I can't wait until I don't have to take the BCPs anymore. They make me feel icky. They've also given me cramps and spotting the past couple days. In our IVF info, we were told to call the clinic to let them know if any spotting occurred, but that it was pretty common and nothing to freak out about. Glad to know I'm normal. [I use that term loosely].

I keep telling myself that this works for people. This treatment could actually result in us becoming parents. It's such a bizarre thing for me to come to terms with. I've felt this entire time like this is just a really good story I've heard and that it's not actually our life.

I do think I'm starting to believe it, though, because last night I set my head on Mr.'s shoulder and whispered, "I don't know how to be a mom."

And he said, "I don't think anyone does, but you are going to be an incredible one."

I love him.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

And so it begins...

I never liked birth control. I went all wonky when I first started taking it right after we got married. (wonky, in this case, means completely insane). Poor Mr.

Today, I'm feeling particularly ugly. Zits have taken over both cheeks, and down my neck. One large one has set up camp smack dab in the middle of my forehead. I washed my face extra good yesterday and lightly lotioned it to keep it from being too dry.

I'm regretting the lotion.

I really am not complaining, though. I'm just grateful to see some signs that the chemicals pumping through my body are actually doing something!

Never thought I'd be grateful for acne. :)

Monday, June 13, 2011

When it Rains it Pours

I mentioned in this post how miracles happened to allow us to move forward with IVF so much sooner than we had originally planned. It seemed like everything had just come together at the right time for us. We were humbled, grateful, and shocked. And we remembered that God has a plan for our little family.

We let the dust settle after all the excitement and were able to look back and see even more little details that showed us that God is watching over us.

And then a big detail happened.

Yesterday, we received an envelope with no marks on the outside. Inside was a folded up piece of white printer paper, a post-it note, and $1,000 cash.

The note said: "Hope this helps you reach your goal. We are thinking of you and praying for you. And we know God is mindful of you."

I cried.

And said "Oh my word" over and over again.

This must be a really, really special baby that's coming to our little family!

IVF #1 - The Schedule

Our appointment went SO well on Friday! It's surreal to think that this is all happening right US. We walked into the clinic and sat down with the scheduler to go over the plan for the next 2 months. Here are the highlights:

  • Pre-natal Vitamins every night with dinner
  • June 8 - Birth Control Pill - take with dinner
  • June 20 - Lu.pron & Doxy.cycline arrives in mail
  • June 25 - Begin 10 units of Lu.pron in the AM 
  • June 25 - Begin Doxy.cycline twice a day for both me and Mr. - take with food
  • June 25 - Begin Baby Asprin 
  • July 2 - Last day for Birth Control
  • July 4 - Last day of Doxy.cycline 
  • July 8 - Baseline Ultrasound, Shot Class, Blood Draw
  • July 9 - Begin Foll.istim in the AM
  • July 9 - Begin Meno.pur in the AM
  • July 13 - Last day for high impact exercise
  • July 14 - Blood Draw
  • July 15 - Last day for intercourse
  • July 16 - Ultrasound
  • July 17 - Ultrasound
  • July 18 - Ultrasound
  • July 19 - for Mr. 
  • July 20 - Possible Egg Retreival!
  • July 23 - Possible 3-day Transfer
  • July 25 - Possible 5-day Transfer
  • July 26-27 - Princess Days (<-- REALLY looking forward to these. :) Basically I just can't really do anything for 48 hours. I'm thinkin' pedicure & chick-fliks) 
It's humbling to realize, we're on step 2 of 22 for this process. BUT, we are moving forward! The days keep passing by and I keep taking pills. I'm so very excited and just grateful to live in a time where this modern medicine is available to us. Thanks for your support and comments! They really help me stay positive! 

Also, battle plan tactic #1 is to only read positive IVF stories, so if you know of any good ones, link me up! There are so many horrible stories out there about failed IVFs, but I have to keep my head up and walk forward with confidence. I need to remember that this really does work for so many people.

Oh, and I should probably mention that we are the proud new owners of a Wii. :) lol. 

Friday, June 10, 2011

The Next Step

The entire idea of having a "plan" is becoming more and more hilarious to me as the days go by. We left the clinic on Wednesday thinking our next appointment to schedule everything out would be on Monday. We were thrilled to have a plan and looked forward to the next step and having an even more solid plan.
We went to Wal.Mart on my lunch break today to pick up a few things and meandered over to the electronics section to drool over the Wii's. We started giggling and decided that we would let it sit until after the scheduling appointment and perhaps buy a Wii then, if we were still that set on getting one. Which would be fine, if our plan had remained in tact. However, right after lunch I got a voicemail from the clinic asking us to come in today instead because the scheduler would be out of town on Monday. So, perhaps we will be buying a Wii tonight.

We're off to plan! I'm going to just approach the plan with a little more leniency. Heaven knows it won't remain exactly as we plan it out today.

Oh, the unknown is a blast. :)

Thursday, June 9, 2011

IVF & A Doctor Who "Gets It"

Yesterday was incredible. That's the best word I can think of to describe it.

Our appointment wasn't until late afternoon. I spent the morning trying to wrestle our charts away from our old clinic and get them transferred to the new clinic. After figuring out how a fax machine works (people still use those! who knew?!), things settled down quite a bit.

Mr. picked me up from work at about 3:30. The drive to the clinic was quiet, but not for lack of communication. There's a lot that can be said while you're just holding hands.

We arrived at the clinic about 10 minutes early, so I gave Mr. the rest of the paperwork we needed to fill out. After he signed everything and finished all of the random "have you ever been treated for..." questions, we said a prayer, had a nice long kiss, and decided to greet the outside world.

Sometimes I feel like I live in a movie. When we walked through the doors of the clinic "I'm a Believer" was playing over the speakers. How appropriate. :)

We sat in the waiting room for a bit while they processed our paperwork. Mr. watched the television, I stared at the floor. Just thinking. Because our infertility is male-factor, I really haven't had very many tests done on me. I haven't taken any medications for our infertility and I have this terrible fear that although my periods are like clockwork, something is wrong with me. The floor was a good place to stare.

The doctor came and got us and we walked back to his office. He cut to the chase quick. "You know you need IVF w/ ICSI, right?"


"Well, all it takes is a sperm, an egg, and a uterus to make a baby. You get all 3 of those together and everyone ends up with a baby."

I laughed. "If only it were that simple."

"It is. You're on cycle day 6, so let's see if we can get your testing done today so you don't have to wait another month before we do this IVF cycle."

And off we went to the ultrasound exam room. He pumped me full of water and poked around my uterus making sure there was no scarring. I was terrified. He kept pointing out little details and I kept asking if that was good or bad. It was always good. No scarring. No cysts. He did point out plenty of healthy follicles. He's not worried about us having good eggs for this procedure. That makes me so grateful.

Mr. rubbed my arm while I was on the exam table. It was kind of fun to have an ultrasound. It made me feel like I belong here in the pregnant world. I've always equated ultrasounds with pregnancy. Now all we have to do is have an ultrasound with a baby in that uterus!

The Dr. did find something. My uterus has a slight septum in it. It's about 5mm deep. The "bad" septums are 30mm deep, so he's really not worried about it. Still, I wish it weren't there. They can cause miscarriage.

Mr. and I went to the back and got blood drawn for the rest of the tests we need before starting this cycle. I'm getting better at giving blood I think. (haha, celebrate the little victories I guess.)

Then, we went back to the front desk where they had all of my birth control pills ready for me. We didn't even have to get a prescription filled! They went over the basic schedule with us.

Right now, we're looking at an Egg Retrieval around July 20th with a 5th day transfer on July 25th.

That means we could find out if we're pregnant on August 5th!

Monday, we have the appointment where we get our formal calendar with all of the medication information and exact dates.

I can't believe this is happening!! We are so excited. :)

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

The Low-Down

I don't really know where to start. We were originally planning on meeting with our Dr. on May 27th to start our IVF cycle, but so many things happened and that appointment was cancelled.

Our IUI #3 was cancelled on a Thursday. Friday, we found out about a tax-free medical account available through my work, so we maxed out what we could put in there knowing we'd need every penny for IVF. Saturday, we went to a fundraiser for some friends of ours, who are also trying to save up for this expensive treatment. And that's when everything changed.

Our friends bounded up to us and asked how our IUI had gone. We explained that the Dr. had cancelled it and recommended us for IVF. And they stopped the conversation right there and said, you need to talk to her and pointed to a girl only a few years older than me with thick wavy hair and big blue eyes. Turns out, she was the fundraiser coordinator. She had received an e-mail from a fertility doctor in a clinic right next to our home who was offering anyone participating in the fundraiser 50% off of an IVF cycle.

Our jaws dropped. We waited patiently for the details. Because our regular doctor was going out of town for the summer, we were going to have to change doctors anyway. We planned to just go to another doctor at the same clinic, but our regular clinic is about 45 minutes away from our home. This new clinic is less than 20. This doctor has incredibly impressive success rates over the past 5 years. He has started clinics in Nevada and Idaho and now here in our home town. He is among the top 6 REs in the nation. We are so blessed!

Our consultation with him is this afternoon and I am completely freaking out. I have had 3 meltdowns already without any medications or hormones pulsing through me at all. I am terrified, excited, nervous, anxious, and so grateful.

I feel so strongly that this man is going to help us become parents. He is going to give us the greatest gift we could ever ask for. I can't wait to meet with him, yet at the same time, that nagging little fear in the back of my mind keeps asking "what if this doesn't work? what then?"

The bigger part of me, though, keeps asking "What if this works?! What if it does!?"

Hopefully, this afternoon, we'll have a timeline and more info and a plan! I'll keep you posted.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Life Saver

Today was not a good day. My period started around 10:30 and I was NOT feeling well. I get all sorts of crampy, woozy, nauseous every single time and while YES, it IS a positive thing to be at the start of our first IVF cycle (!! more details on that coming VERY soon !!), I still feel like garbage. I had cried 3 times before 2 in the afternoon. Ah, hormones. Well, throughout all this, I was a real witch to the Mr. I didn't want to call the clinic to schedule blood work because I hate going to the doctor alone and Mr. is headed out of town for a wedding this weekend. I can't go because we couldn't afford 2 plane tickets. I want to get the blood work done, but it's scary and sad to go alone. Cue the waterworks. Well, Mr. called the clinic and double checked which tests I needed to get done and as it turns out, I can wait until next week when Mr. is back in town! Then, an hour later, he showed up at my office with a midol and a hot hands (small heat pads that rule the world.)

I love him.

That doesn't mean that I won't sob all the way home from the airport in a couple hours, but hey, around here emotional stability is not a common occurrence.