Fasting

It's funny how the things that you pray and fast for change as you break down the fertility process. When we first got married, we prayed to know if we needed to start our family. When we started "trying" we prayed that we would conceive a child. When we weren't having success naturally, we prayed to know what was going on. When we tried our first IUI, we prayed for a baby. Last month, my body didn't ovulate, something we had taken for granted each and every cycle.

This month, we fasted that my body would ovulate and that we would be given the chance to conceive our baby. I am charting this month (waking up at 5:30 am each day to take a temperature is REALLY lame. But it is a means to an end. The Mr. often puts the thermometer in my mouth and takes it out while I try to wake up stay asleep.)

I started taking ovulation tests on day 10, exactly 1 week ago. I anticipated a positive test on day 14 or 15, but no luck. So, on day 16, we started our fast. Today, I went to take the ovulation test. I had to take it at work, and standing in the bathroom stall I don't know that I have ever prayed so hard in my life. Knowing the Mr. was sitting somewhere in class praying for the same thing brought me a lot of comfort. It's that feeling when the spirit just makes your heart sing. I looked down and this is what I saw:

Our last IUI was done on day 22. So day 17 is a MAJOR improvement.

We just can't wait to see what the next month holds for us. Hopes are high! We are united. God is watching over us. He has heard our prayers. What a difference fasting makes!

So excuse us, we've got some phone calls to make. :)

Lift Your Love

There are so many ways wives can be supportive when their husbands are diagnosed with male-factor infertility. I knew, from the moment we received the results of that first semen analysis, that this was going to be harder on my husband than I could ever imagine. I knew right then that this was not going to be about me, even though I was going to experience a great deal of pain, too. I knew I needed to help him understand that I chose him on our wedding day and I would continue to choose him each and every day. The Lift Your Love series will outline specific ways I have found help my Mr. on the bad days (and the good days!)

Don't fix what isn't broken...

Last month was super frustrating. Beginning fertility treatments can be extremely scary, but also, it's the most hope a couple going through infertility has probably had in a while. At least it was for us. When our first IUI failed last October, it was a major blow. We took off for the weekend in an attempt to run away from everything. What really happened was a major emotional breakdown on the freeway. Needless to say, it took us a while to be able to "get back on the horse."

In January, we met with a homeopathic doctor. He recommended a few herbal and hormonal supplements for our condition. Mr. got put on some male hormone and testosterone drops, and I started taking a supplement called Rubus Idaeus and progesterone. We were eating healthy, exercising, sleeping, taking good care of our bodies, etc. And keeping track of my cycle. Rubus Idaeus is supposed to even out my cycle to 28 days. And it did, shockingly quick. My period started 6 days earlier than normal. We were out of town and I was completely unprepared. But I was thrilled. It meant these supplements were working!

We were on board for IUI #2. (If we do 3 IUIs without success, IVF is our only option.) I took ovulation tests every single day, sometimes 2x a day. Started on day 10 just like the RE recommended. Day 10 came, negative. We expected that. Day 14 came, negative. That was kind of odd, especially for how quickly my cycle evened out. Mr. was headed out of town on days 15-17 so our prayers switched for a few days. We made it through the weekend without a positive test. We were in the clear!

Day 21 came, negative. Day 23, 25, 26, negative. and then we scrapped the ovulation tests. My last period had started 6 days early when we were out of town. It was pretty light, too. And so we ventured into that dangerous, dangerous land of "maybe we're pregnant..."

One test later and we knew that wasn't the case. Frustration hit about 48 hours later. We had done everything! We were on medication to up the sperm count & quality and prime my body for conception. We had been exercising, eating right, and following all the rules and MY body won't even give us the chance to try??

Thus began the biggest funk I've ever been in. Depression hit hard. My body isn't supposed to be the one with the problem. My body is supposed to be the reason we still have a chance in this game. After a few long conversations with my Heavenly Father and at least 3 long cries, I heard "Don't fix what isn't broken." It dawned on me that at the beginning of our marriage, I had taken progesterone pills as birth control. From charting and bloodwork, we know that my body ovulates every single cycle. The only change this cycle was the supplements. I was taking progesterone. Those birth control pills at the beginning of our marriage threw my body off so hard (not to mention my emotions, which also haven't been too great lately).

After talking with Mr. we decided that his supplements are working, so he will continue to use them. Rubus Idaeus has a pretty great track record (41/43 women in the test group conceived after using it for 4 months). So I'll continue taking those to help Mr.'s swimmers as much as possible. And we pick our heads up and psyche up for IUI #2 as soon as my body will allow it.

Testing for IUI #2 started today. Here we go!

Loving My Choice

A few years ago, I visited my newly married cousin at his first apartment. Wedding pictures of him and his beautiful bride covered the walls, but something else caught my eye. There was a tile on top of a bookcase in their living room that said:

"Choose your love. Love your choice."

I've since seen that saying elsewhere and its importance is reinforced in my mind every single time.

The title of this blog, "Loving My Choice," is to serve as that reminder. When we received the results of that first semen analysis in July 2010, our relationship took a major blow. I made the choice that day, though, that I would do everything I could to make my husband feel loved, worthy, good enough, righteous, and help him to know that no matter what, we are in this together. He needed to know that I chose him, and I would continue to choose him every single day without fail. He needed to know that it was an easy choice to make, every time.

There is often the temptation to place blame, or claim the blame and feel guilty in this situation. This blog is our attempt to overcome that temptation, tackle this trial head-on, as a couple. We also want it to serve as a resource for finding joy in the journey that is infertility, because the bad days are inevitable, but the good days can be so, so sweet.