Today marks 2 weeks since IUI #2. I'm feeling normal. No symptoms, but I think that's also because there really isn't any hope pumping through my veins either. I've been charting as well, and if my body's temperatures actually mean what the experts say they mean, I didn't ovulate until 3 days after the IUI anyway. So really, the 2 week mark doesn't mean squat. And I should be OK to give up on this cycle. But I can't.
After canceling my Dr.'s appointment yesterday because I got home from work and flipped out at Mr. for no good reason. I could tell I was on the verge of a massive emotional meltdown. About 5 minutes later, the meltdown started. I was sobbing and saying how I don't want comfort anymore. I'm sick of praying for comfort. I want a child. I want this to be over. I just want to be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel and there is none. Mr. just held me and let me cry. I was mean. I know I was mean. and I was absolutely wrong. Sometime toward the end of the meltdown, my heart was calmed. I felt the strong need to listen to my husband. I managed to choke out the words, "I don't know what to do anymore. I need you to help me. I will do whatever you ask me to every single day until we hear that our little one is on the way."
Mr. looked at me, probably shocked at the sudden change in my tone, and said "I will pray about it and I will give you a letter later this week." And then he kissed the tears off my cheek. I married a tender man. And I am so grateful, because I am pretty rough around the edges and he is so patient with me.
I did feel, though, that my Heavenly Father has council that will probably only come to me. My Heavenly Father and I have a strong relationship. Some days, I forget that. Yesterday I forgot that. When I woke up this morning, though, I felt the need to pray more sincerely. I knelt down, unrushed, and offered up a simple prayer. I asked that I would know what to ask for. that I would know what He wants me to learn and how I should learn it. that I would be able to feel of His love for me. and that I would know I was not forgotten.
I brought my scriptures and a fresh journal to work with me, so I could study on my lunch break. The question of what I should study stayed in my mind all morning long. I had given a talk on temperance last year sometime and I couldn't get that word out of my head. "Study temperance."
At lunch, I grabbed my purse and found a desk in the hallway. I first wrote in the journal these words:
This is not working!! I am in serious trouble. My life is spiraling so out of control that I don't know which way is up. I have been trying so hard to stay upbeat about our childlessness/infertility that I'm just now starting to really feel everything & it is not good. I do not like myself and I am taking it out on my sweet husband. I have such a bad temper. I need to fix that, now. I say mean & hurtful things and I know he will always forgive me, but it is getting harder & harder to forgive myself. I am also just flat out in a rut. Nothing excites me anymore. Normally, when I get like this, I make a detailed master plan. The problem with that is it's my master plan. I've learned that right now I just don't know what's best for me. I need help. So I've asked Mr. to pray about it & help me know what to do. I'm praying about it too and only planning to do the things that I know come directly from my Heavenly Father.
I needed guidance and my heart was aching for that guidance. I opened the topical guide to "temperance." There were plenty of references listed, but one stood out to me. 2 Peter 1:6. I don't know why it stuck out. It wasn't marked or anything. The surrounding text wasn't especially interesting. But it was the first (and only) scripture I turned to. When I opened the page, I saw that sometime earlier I had underlined some words in verse 4, so I started reading from there instead.
4. Whereby are given unto us exceeding great and precious promises: that by these ye might be partakers of the divine nature, having escaped the corruption that is in the world through lust.
5. And beside this, giving all diligence, add to your faith virtue; and to virtue knowledge;
6. And to knowledge temperance; and to temperance patience; and to patience godliness;
7. And to godliness brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness charity.
8. For if these things be in you, and abound, they make you that ye shall neither be barren nor unfruitful...
Wow. Not only have I been told exactly what to do, I have been literally reminded that God is aware of the desires of my heart. He knows what I need and He hears my prayers. He will guide me through this trial. I cannot give up hope because I have not done everything that I can do. God has a plan for me. He is my Father. He knows what is best. He knows what I can handle and what I need to learn.
So the start of that chain is diligence. I must be diligent in my work. I will work every single day to bring our little one safely home. Then comes faith, virtue, knowledge, temperance, patience, godliness, brotherly kindness and charity. I will study in depth each one and work hard to having each trait abound in me and in my family. For, "I, the Lord, am bound when ye do what I say, but when ye do not what I say, ye have no promise." (D&C 82:10)
I've always thought that our little baby was going to be our miracle, but I'm starting to see that the miracle might be me.
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