Pulled the Trigger

This morning we had another ultrasound appointment. My follicles are growing right along! We now have 26 follicles that are over 10mm a piece.

The stats are:
Left Ovary-

• 23.9
• 19.3
• 19.2
• 18.7
• 18.5
• 18.2
• 17.6
• 17.6
• 17.4
• 15.1
• 14.2

Right Ovary-

• 19.9
• 19.3
• 19.2
• 18.0
• 17.4
• 17.1
• 16.9
• 15.9
• 15.4
• 14.6
• 14.6
• 12.2
• 11.7
• 11.5
• 10.7

I love that they are improving! The nurse actually told us that we were good to go for our trigger tonight and about 3 hours ago, Mr. gave me the trigger shot! We are set for the egg retrieval at 7am Tuesday morning. I am so scared and excited. I can't believe we're already at this point. It is coming up so fast. I had a really hard time focusing at church today. We are exactly 1 week away from our 5-day transfer date. I hope that we make it to that point.

I took a picture of my belly today, right after the trigger shot. I'm pretty proud of each of those bruises and bulges. It's all a small price to pay to bring our little one into this world.

First Ultrasound Monitoring Appointment - Follicle Update

24
We have 24 follicles!
It's kind of mind blowing at this point. I can't believe my body is actually doing what it is supposed to do! It was unreal to see something other than a uterus wall in the ultrasound. Here are the stats:

Left (top 12):

• 20.2
• 16.6
• 16.5
• 16.4
• 15.5
• 15.1
• 15.0
• 14.8
• 14.7
• 14.2
• 13.6
• 11.9

Right (top 12):

• 17.4
• 16.1
• 15.9
• 15.7
• 15.4
• 14.1
• 12.8
• 12.6
• 12.2
• 11.4
• 10.5
• 10.8
• 9.9

The left is definitely better than the right, but they said we are probably about a day ahead of schedule and see no reason why we should have more than 20 eggs to work with. TWENTY!!


We find out tomorrow if we get to take the trigger shot tomorrow night. Potential Egg Retrieval is now on Tuesday! 

As far as how I'm feeling, my body is spent. I am sore sore sore today. We went to Cracker Barrel after the appointment for breakfast and I was really shaky from the blood draw. I felt much better after eating something, but my body is still very bloated and sore. Also, I think it's dang tired from growing 24 eggs at the same time. I sat down to work on a project or two and ended up sleeping for 3 hours, drool and all. It felt good, but the only reason I'm not still sleeping is because Mr. woke me up so that I have a chance of actually falling asleep tonight. 


I could potentially take my last stims tomorrow!
 

Sick & Tired

I'm sick. I'm tired. And I'm sick and tired of a number of things. Last night, Mr. and I threw a Harry Potter party to kill time before the midnight showing. It was supposed to start at 8. We only invited the two other couples we bought tickets to the midnight showing with and at about 7:30 I got texts from both of them saying they'd be a little late. Since all "fun" is over today, we decided to fool around a little bit.

We were just enjoying ourselves when a very loud knock sounded at the door. Panic ensued.

"Who is that?!"
"What?!"
"My life is a joke."
"Put your clothes on! I'm not getting the door."

It was my mother-in-law.

I don't even think it's possible to explain how absolutely sick of family I am. I feel like since we started this IVF cycle, that everyone who is related to us has decided that they will come up to see us and stay with us for at least 4 days a piece. I really just want to disappear. And I need my house.

Mr. and I's relationship is the most important thing right now. I really want this to be a beautiful, unified event for our marriage and most of the time it is. I just need everyone else to leave us alone for the next month! I'm going completely insane. Our "open door policy" is now very much closed.

Wish I was gutsy enough to enforce that.

___________________________________

We got home last night around 3:30 am and went straight to bed. Still, 4 hours of sleep really isn't enough, especially when I'm on all sorts of medicines and hormones. This morning, Mr. woke me up and it took everything I had to get out of bed, or even just roll over. I felt nauseous and the shots hadn't even happened yet.

Mr. went downstairs to prep the shots and I got up to get ready for the day. When Mr. was ready for me, I went and laid down on the bed to get the 3 shots over with. Lu.pron was fine. Men.o.pur was terrible, as always. I hate it. I always try to keep my breathing deep and even, but Men.o.pur tends to cause me to panic. The nurse reduced my dosage yesterday from 150 to 75 of Folli.stim, but the cartridge we were using didn't have enough medicine left in it to finish the dose. Mr. was bummed and complained as he went down to get a new cartridge. I had put my hand on my sore belly from the Men.o.pur. When he came back upstairs he told me that he stabbed himself with the other needle. I asked him if he got a new needle. He said, "Of course." I ask him to re-swab my belly with alcohol because my hand has been resting on it and I don't want to get an infection.

He complained on his way back downstairs to get the new swab and whined for me to come downstairs for the last injection. All I could think about was how my belly was really sore and my head already hurt.

I was so angry I stood right up and screamed, "[MR'S FULL NAME] NO!"

I shouldn't have stood up. I got queasy and sick and laid right down again for the last injection.

I know Mr. is just as tired as I am from last night. He doesn't want to go to work either. He's exhausted and I haven't been the easiest to be around lately. I knew that, but it made me so angry that he wanted me to come downstairs. I completely lost my patience. Mr. is the best man I could ever have wished for as a husband. This is all harder than we both imagined.

Mr. asked me to say the prayer and I said, "No." (By this point, he'd already apologized quite a few times and kissed my belly as well.) I shouldn't have said no. Mr. is the sweetest, most genuine man. I am pretty rough around the edges. I hate it when that bratty side of me comes out.

Mr. prayed that my body would have the strength to make it through today. He prayed that I would know how much he loves me for being so strong and willing to do all of this for our babies. He prayed that I would be comforted today. He prayed that I would be kept safe.

After all that, I really don't think my pains are worth being angry about. He is not the enemy. I wonder why that is so hard for me to remember lately.

Remember...Mr. Is Not the Enemy

I'm having a hard time with this. The man wakes me up every morning, kisses my belly, and proceeds to swab it with alcohol and jab 3 needles into it. (The men.o.pur is by far the worst.) Except this morning, he picked up a shift at a Dr's office he used to work at. So he had to be there at 8 and I had to be at work at 8. Normally, I get to work between 8:15 and 8:30. They know what is going on, so it doesn't matter. No one blinks an eye. Today, though, Mr. bellowed down the hall for me to get up. I had 10 minutes to curl my hair, put makeup on, get dressed, get jabbed, eat breakfast, and get out the door. Needless to say, that didn't happen. I still curled my hair, put makeup on, got dressed and got out the door, but the 10 minute part was definitely omitted from the equation. So was the belly kiss. And I don't know why, but it put me in such a terrible mood.

We were both in the bathroom brushing our teeth and Mr. said (completely calm and rational) "Babe, it really bothers me when you do this." (sleeping in until the last possible second.)

Cue the blow up.

"It really BOTHERS me, that every morning I have to get stabbed with meds that make me icky and out of it all day long. Forgive me for not jumping out of bed ready to greet the day every morning. I have a mental battle with myself every morning because I know that as soon as I wake up, the shots are coming.  So be grateful that I'm awake at all."

Yep. Not my proudest moment. Unfortunately, I haven't been able to separate the shots from the shot-giver. So when I dropped Mr. off at his job this morning I kissed two fingers and put them on Mr.'s lips as our "goodbye kiss." As soon as I drove away I regretted it.

I'm going to be missing him worse than ever today.
I don't think he understood just how important that belly kiss is to me.
I don't think I understood either.

** As far as symptoms go, my ovaries already feel heavy. It's comforting to know that something is actually going on down there. I've had friends that get really sick from the stims, so I'm grateful to not be one of them. I did gag pretty bad at dinner last night. Something about the chicken...I couldn't take another bite of it. Also, as soon as the Folli.stim injection is put into my belly, the headache is pretty much instantaneous. I can only imagine it's going to get worse from here. 5 more days of stims and then it's retrieval time! Can't believe it's coming up this fast!

d.o.n.e

We're 3 days into stims. The shots aren't near as bad as I thought they would be. I'm getting little bruises all over my belly, but Mr. is getting really great at giving me shots. They hardly hurt longer than it takes to get the medicine into me. I'm having a bad day today, though. The headaches these medicines cause are unbelievable. Nothing makes them feel better. I am so family-ed out it's ridiculous. I want to be invisible. Mr. said he would get me an invisibility cloak. I love him.

He takes such good care of me.

Work is over in t-minus 19 minutes.

Faith Precedes the Miracle

I am blown away today. We had an appointment this morning at 8. It takes us about 15 minutes to get to the clinic, so we set the alarm for 7 and went to bed. No one heard the alarm at 7. It was 7:25 and both of us were just waiting for the alarm to go off, so we didn't move and just enjoyed waking up slowly...until Mr. saw what time it actually was. That started a mild panic.

Mr. had to collect the backup sample for the IVF cycle before we left and wouldn't you know it, he was done in 7 minutes! That is a HUGE deal! Normally 45 minutes go by and guilt and sadness reign. Not this time.

He walked into the bathroom where I was getting ready for the day with the most macho swagger I've ever seen on him. I loved it. He looked at me and said "I'm ready to go when you are!" I finished curling my hair and out the door we went.

At the clinic, we did a quick ultrasound (my baseline) to make sure my lining had thinned how it was supposed to and that my ovaries were calm. (they were.) We went into another room and got instruction on the new injections that arrived at our house this week. I am so grateful to know that those massive needles that came with the injections aren't for poking me with!

We took notes and asked questions, held hands and walked to the front of the clinic. I left to use the bathroom while Mr. checked out. I came to the desk and he had our regular checking account debit card out to pay with. I wasn't sure what he was paying for. I just assumed that it was a consultation fee or something and said he should use the medical account. He agreed and continued to pay. He said "There should be about $3,000 left on this card." (We had used the other $2,000 for the meds that are now camping out in the produce drawer of our fridge.) HE WAS PAYING FOR THE ENTIRE IVF CYCLE!! With the medical account, the $1,000 gift we received a couple of weeks ago, and the 50% off we got from our amazing doctor for attending a fundraiser, we didn't pay a single extra dime.

We are blessed. We are so very blessed. It is humbling.

We walked out of that office and realized that we paid cash for every single bit of our IVF cycle, and we still have money in the bank! I am amazed at how we have been provided for. Faith, prayer, obedience works. We are so grateful for the plan our Heavenly Father has for us. I am in awe of His hand in our life.

We stopped at Mimi's cafe for breakfast before Mr. dropped me off at work. I'm having a hard time focusing. Stims start tomorrow! I can't believe we're already here! My Egg Retreival could be less than 2 weeks away!

I've started to get excited about actually being a mom. I find myself constantly wrestling with whether or not I can be confident and hopeful or if I'm just setting myself up for heartbreak. The phrase that keeps resonating in my mind, though, is "Faith Precedes the Miracle." I have to have faith. I have to believe this will work. My baby deserves it. My babies deserve it. I will be faithful. I can't help but feel like they are looking down at all we are doing to get them here and they are grateful and cheering us on as loud as they can.

Faith Precedes the Miracle.

I gotta have faith.

Battle Scars

My belly is bruised. I've been in a huge funk lately. Not being productive at work, at home, in our relationship, etc. We have been bombarded with family lately, and luckily it's turned out to be OK. I think most of the time, I psyche myself up for a miserable time because I think I don't want to see family, but really they rejuvenate me. We are one of the extremely rare and lucky couples that has sensitive, tactful, kind, and supportive family members on both sides of the family. Not to say that I want one of them to move in with us, but the weekends they stay here are really fun, contrary to what I thought.

I've always thought bare belly maternity pictures were weird and awkward. I want the belly, (more than I ever thought I would), but having pictures of the skin exposed just kind of weirded me out before. Now, I want a picture of every mark, bruise, scab, and stretch mark so that one day I can say "Look at what I did to get you here. Don't ever doubt my love for you."

The reality is, this baby is worth every single shot, pill, meltdown, and tear. I would do all of this again and again if it meant being a mother to my child.

I have to write this down because our second shipment of meds came yesterday. Mr. told me I wasn't allowed to look at the new needles. That means they're big. And so, while I'm having this rose-colored glasses approach to shots, I should probably document it because heaven knows it's not going to last! Stims start in 2 days!! Shot class tomorrow.

My belly says, "Bring it on."