9 week update

I'm currently 9 weeks and 3 days. I went to the RE for the very last time on Wednesday. He graduated us to a normal OB, and I've been putting off making that appointment because I'm just scared to see a new doctor. Our RE is completely incredible. He is the smartest, most selfless man I have ever met. Not to mention his staff. I swear, the office manager is one of the most unsung heroes I know. I've been meaning to write her a card and give her a giftcard to a restaurant or something to say thank you. As soon as I have enough energy to go to the store, that will happen.

Yesterday was the most exhausting day I have ever had. When I woke up, it hurt to roll over or even talk. It was just too much exertion. I managed to get to work and typing hurt. I stuck it out until 11:30 and took a long lunch. I slept for an hour and a half. Mr. woke me up and gave me some soup. I drank it down in about 5 minutes and fell asleep for another 15 until he told me I had to get up and go back to work. I made it to 5pm, came home, fell asleep on the couch after I ate a few bites of dinner and finally called it quits on the day at around 8. I trudged upstairs without even brushing my teeth and just crawled in bed.

I'm thrilled to say that today is much better.

Tuesday, we got to see our babes again. They are SO. DANG. CUTE! I always made fun of people for saying their ultrasound pictures are cute, but I get it. It's so amazing to me that that is MY body. You can see heads and arms and legs. The one on the left waved hello during the ultrasound. It was wonderful to see them when I wasn't still shocked that there were 2 in there, like at the 7 week ultrasound. I could just soak everything in.

Grow strong little gummy bears! We love you!

Tomorrow

It all happens tomorrow. We find out if my babies are still growing inside of me. I am trying to picture two in there. It's not hard to do. I have gained a ton of weight in the past 10 days. My body is already not my own.  It is bruised and bulging and sore. I woke up today in such a great mood - a very welcome contrast to yesterday. Oddly enough, I am not scared today. I was terrified yesterday. Today, I feel great!

Positive thinking is all that's going on in my head right now. It's all I'm allowing in there. The thoughts today are largely based around the question, "What fun way am I going to tell Mr. he's going to be a Dad?"

It mostly depends on timing. If the clinic calls when he's in class, I'll probably do one thing. If they call later in the day, I'll do another. If they call while he's on break between classes, I'll be doing a whole other idea. Either way, I'm scheming today. I decided I am pregnant with twins until told otherwise, because I saw two little babies be placed back into me. It makes the planning fantastically fun! (and I don't feel guilty for feeling hopeful, which is a whole new feeling for me - like a breath of fresh air.)

The Clinic Knows...

...if I'm pregnant or not. I, on the other hand, have to wait 2 more days to find out.

This morning was really rough. There's no other way to describe it. I barely got out the door to go to work. I look terrible. I was pale and quiet in the staff meeting and then let my boss in on just how overwhelmed I am with everything going on. He was wonderful about it and transferred two major projects off my plate. I was feeling crampy (still kind of am) and it scared me so bad.

Mr. picked me up and drove me to the clinic for the blood draw. A woman with two kids shared the waiting room with us. I know eventually I will be the mother with two kids sitting in the fertility clinic waiting room hoping for a third, but today it just felt unfair. The blood draw took a couple seconds, tops. The nurse could tell I wasn't myself. She asked how I was feeling and I just said "nervous, and I've been having a lot of cramps." She made me feel a little better when she said, "Oh, that's probably a good thing. It could be implantation." I left the clinic with my hand in Mr.'s.

When we got to the car, he opened my door. Normally, I give him a quick peck on the lips and hop inside to pop his door open for him, but this time as soon as I looked up at him, he scooped me into his arms and just let me cry in the parking lot.

I think it finally hit me just how terrified I am. I need this to work so desperately. I can't imagine it not working. Our little babies were so strong and healthy when they were placed back into me and my uterine lining looked perfect, according to the doctor.

Please stick little babies.

Please. Please. Please.

Your dad and I would very much like to  meet you.

The Two Week Wait

I'm really having a hard time focusing on much of anything. I've been working on my new online design portfolio so I can partner up with photographers and get my design business up and running before we move. (Which probably won't be happening before the baby(ies) come anyway.) After the transfer, I spent 2 days on couch-rest. The first day wasn't so bad, but the second day about killed me. It's one thing to be sick and not want to move. But I felt totally fine and it was frustrating toward the very end of Tuesday night. Around 10pm our best friends called us to tell us their little boy had arrived at 8:22 and that they'd love for us to come see them at the birthing center. (Super mama had a water birth!)

He was so unbelievably cute and tiny! We took a tour of the center after we finished visiting. It's exactly what I want. So calm, private, peaceful. The staff was very friendly. My friend looked amazing regardless of if she just gave birth or not. That is the kind of birth experience I want. As I held their little boy, I couldn't help but think that mine were growing strong inside of me right at that moment. I have babies. They are little tiny ones, but they are mine. They are ours.

As for symptoms, I'm really trying to remember that it's all probably in my head. Either way, though, I am extremely hot and tired all the time which means I'm irritable. Also, I had the most bizarre dream last night that's pretty embarrassing and I don't really think I want to remember it, so I'm just not going to write it down, but vivid bizarre dreams are a symptom too, right? My back and legs constantly ache and most of the time it's all I can do to keep my head up and my eyes open. I am eating the house down and I sobbed 8 times during The Sound of Music last night. It's all in my head, though, right? Right.

I'm not even looking up my due date.
Even though I really want to.

First blood draw is on Monday.
We find out if it worked on Wednesday.

This anticipation is by far the worst.

Pulled the Trigger

This morning we had another ultrasound appointment. My follicles are growing right along! We now have 26 follicles that are over 10mm a piece.

The stats are:
Left Ovary-

• 23.9
• 19.3
• 19.2
• 18.7
• 18.5
• 18.2
• 17.6
• 17.6
• 17.4
• 15.1
• 14.2

Right Ovary-

• 19.9
• 19.3
• 19.2
• 18.0
• 17.4
• 17.1
• 16.9
• 15.9
• 15.4
• 14.6
• 14.6
• 12.2
• 11.7
• 11.5
• 10.7

I love that they are improving! The nurse actually told us that we were good to go for our trigger tonight and about 3 hours ago, Mr. gave me the trigger shot! We are set for the egg retrieval at 7am Tuesday morning. I am so scared and excited. I can't believe we're already at this point. It is coming up so fast. I had a really hard time focusing at church today. We are exactly 1 week away from our 5-day transfer date. I hope that we make it to that point.

I took a picture of my belly today, right after the trigger shot. I'm pretty proud of each of those bruises and bulges. It's all a small price to pay to bring our little one into this world.

First Ultrasound Monitoring Appointment - Follicle Update

24
We have 24 follicles!
It's kind of mind blowing at this point. I can't believe my body is actually doing what it is supposed to do! It was unreal to see something other than a uterus wall in the ultrasound. Here are the stats:

Left (top 12):

• 20.2
• 16.6
• 16.5
• 16.4
• 15.5
• 15.1
• 15.0
• 14.8
• 14.7
• 14.2
• 13.6
• 11.9

Right (top 12):

• 17.4
• 16.1
• 15.9
• 15.7
• 15.4
• 14.1
• 12.8
• 12.6
• 12.2
• 11.4
• 10.5
• 10.8
• 9.9

The left is definitely better than the right, but they said we are probably about a day ahead of schedule and see no reason why we should have more than 20 eggs to work with. TWENTY!!


We find out tomorrow if we get to take the trigger shot tomorrow night. Potential Egg Retrieval is now on Tuesday! 

As far as how I'm feeling, my body is spent. I am sore sore sore today. We went to Cracker Barrel after the appointment for breakfast and I was really shaky from the blood draw. I felt much better after eating something, but my body is still very bloated and sore. Also, I think it's dang tired from growing 24 eggs at the same time. I sat down to work on a project or two and ended up sleeping for 3 hours, drool and all. It felt good, but the only reason I'm not still sleeping is because Mr. woke me up so that I have a chance of actually falling asleep tonight. 


I could potentially take my last stims tomorrow!
 

Sick & Tired

I'm sick. I'm tired. And I'm sick and tired of a number of things. Last night, Mr. and I threw a Harry Potter party to kill time before the midnight showing. It was supposed to start at 8. We only invited the two other couples we bought tickets to the midnight showing with and at about 7:30 I got texts from both of them saying they'd be a little late. Since all "fun" is over today, we decided to fool around a little bit.

We were just enjoying ourselves when a very loud knock sounded at the door. Panic ensued.

"Who is that?!"
"What?!"
"My life is a joke."
"Put your clothes on! I'm not getting the door."

It was my mother-in-law.

I don't even think it's possible to explain how absolutely sick of family I am. I feel like since we started this IVF cycle, that everyone who is related to us has decided that they will come up to see us and stay with us for at least 4 days a piece. I really just want to disappear. And I need my house.

Mr. and I's relationship is the most important thing right now. I really want this to be a beautiful, unified event for our marriage and most of the time it is. I just need everyone else to leave us alone for the next month! I'm going completely insane. Our "open door policy" is now very much closed.

Wish I was gutsy enough to enforce that.

___________________________________

We got home last night around 3:30 am and went straight to bed. Still, 4 hours of sleep really isn't enough, especially when I'm on all sorts of medicines and hormones. This morning, Mr. woke me up and it took everything I had to get out of bed, or even just roll over. I felt nauseous and the shots hadn't even happened yet.

Mr. went downstairs to prep the shots and I got up to get ready for the day. When Mr. was ready for me, I went and laid down on the bed to get the 3 shots over with. Lu.pron was fine. Men.o.pur was terrible, as always. I hate it. I always try to keep my breathing deep and even, but Men.o.pur tends to cause me to panic. The nurse reduced my dosage yesterday from 150 to 75 of Folli.stim, but the cartridge we were using didn't have enough medicine left in it to finish the dose. Mr. was bummed and complained as he went down to get a new cartridge. I had put my hand on my sore belly from the Men.o.pur. When he came back upstairs he told me that he stabbed himself with the other needle. I asked him if he got a new needle. He said, "Of course." I ask him to re-swab my belly with alcohol because my hand has been resting on it and I don't want to get an infection.

He complained on his way back downstairs to get the new swab and whined for me to come downstairs for the last injection. All I could think about was how my belly was really sore and my head already hurt.

I was so angry I stood right up and screamed, "[MR'S FULL NAME] NO!"

I shouldn't have stood up. I got queasy and sick and laid right down again for the last injection.

I know Mr. is just as tired as I am from last night. He doesn't want to go to work either. He's exhausted and I haven't been the easiest to be around lately. I knew that, but it made me so angry that he wanted me to come downstairs. I completely lost my patience. Mr. is the best man I could ever have wished for as a husband. This is all harder than we both imagined.

Mr. asked me to say the prayer and I said, "No." (By this point, he'd already apologized quite a few times and kissed my belly as well.) I shouldn't have said no. Mr. is the sweetest, most genuine man. I am pretty rough around the edges. I hate it when that bratty side of me comes out.

Mr. prayed that my body would have the strength to make it through today. He prayed that I would know how much he loves me for being so strong and willing to do all of this for our babies. He prayed that I would be comforted today. He prayed that I would be kept safe.

After all that, I really don't think my pains are worth being angry about. He is not the enemy. I wonder why that is so hard for me to remember lately.

Remember...Mr. Is Not the Enemy

I'm having a hard time with this. The man wakes me up every morning, kisses my belly, and proceeds to swab it with alcohol and jab 3 needles into it. (The men.o.pur is by far the worst.) Except this morning, he picked up a shift at a Dr's office he used to work at. So he had to be there at 8 and I had to be at work at 8. Normally, I get to work between 8:15 and 8:30. They know what is going on, so it doesn't matter. No one blinks an eye. Today, though, Mr. bellowed down the hall for me to get up. I had 10 minutes to curl my hair, put makeup on, get dressed, get jabbed, eat breakfast, and get out the door. Needless to say, that didn't happen. I still curled my hair, put makeup on, got dressed and got out the door, but the 10 minute part was definitely omitted from the equation. So was the belly kiss. And I don't know why, but it put me in such a terrible mood.

We were both in the bathroom brushing our teeth and Mr. said (completely calm and rational) "Babe, it really bothers me when you do this." (sleeping in until the last possible second.)

Cue the blow up.

"It really BOTHERS me, that every morning I have to get stabbed with meds that make me icky and out of it all day long. Forgive me for not jumping out of bed ready to greet the day every morning. I have a mental battle with myself every morning because I know that as soon as I wake up, the shots are coming.  So be grateful that I'm awake at all."

Yep. Not my proudest moment. Unfortunately, I haven't been able to separate the shots from the shot-giver. So when I dropped Mr. off at his job this morning I kissed two fingers and put them on Mr.'s lips as our "goodbye kiss." As soon as I drove away I regretted it.

I'm going to be missing him worse than ever today.
I don't think he understood just how important that belly kiss is to me.
I don't think I understood either.

** As far as symptoms go, my ovaries already feel heavy. It's comforting to know that something is actually going on down there. I've had friends that get really sick from the stims, so I'm grateful to not be one of them. I did gag pretty bad at dinner last night. Something about the chicken...I couldn't take another bite of it. Also, as soon as the Folli.stim injection is put into my belly, the headache is pretty much instantaneous. I can only imagine it's going to get worse from here. 5 more days of stims and then it's retrieval time! Can't believe it's coming up this fast!

d.o.n.e

We're 3 days into stims. The shots aren't near as bad as I thought they would be. I'm getting little bruises all over my belly, but Mr. is getting really great at giving me shots. They hardly hurt longer than it takes to get the medicine into me. I'm having a bad day today, though. The headaches these medicines cause are unbelievable. Nothing makes them feel better. I am so family-ed out it's ridiculous. I want to be invisible. Mr. said he would get me an invisibility cloak. I love him.

He takes such good care of me.

Work is over in t-minus 19 minutes.

Battle Scars

My belly is bruised. I've been in a huge funk lately. Not being productive at work, at home, in our relationship, etc. We have been bombarded with family lately, and luckily it's turned out to be OK. I think most of the time, I psyche myself up for a miserable time because I think I don't want to see family, but really they rejuvenate me. We are one of the extremely rare and lucky couples that has sensitive, tactful, kind, and supportive family members on both sides of the family. Not to say that I want one of them to move in with us, but the weekends they stay here are really fun, contrary to what I thought.

I've always thought bare belly maternity pictures were weird and awkward. I want the belly, (more than I ever thought I would), but having pictures of the skin exposed just kind of weirded me out before. Now, I want a picture of every mark, bruise, scab, and stretch mark so that one day I can say "Look at what I did to get you here. Don't ever doubt my love for you."

The reality is, this baby is worth every single shot, pill, meltdown, and tear. I would do all of this again and again if it meant being a mother to my child.

I have to write this down because our second shipment of meds came yesterday. Mr. told me I wasn't allowed to look at the new needles. That means they're big. And so, while I'm having this rose-colored glasses approach to shots, I should probably document it because heaven knows it's not going to last! Stims start in 2 days!! Shot class tomorrow.

My belly says, "Bring it on."

Metaphors

I'm really good at metaphors, similes, comparisons, analogies, etc. Quite often, they only make sense to me. However, Mr. understands my metaphors. It's just one of the many reminders that I married the right man for me. So, here's the deal:

I mentioned earlier how I'm not used to taking pills and getting shots that make me feel worse. I'm really lucky that Mr. gives me the shot each morning because I really really hate how out of it they make me feel. Not to mention the pills and other glorious side effects (I've gained 8 pounds in a week. Yay bloating.)

Have you ever seen Harry Potter 6? At the end, Harry and Dumbledore go to this gloomy, evil island and Dumbledore tells Harry to make him drink the entire potion they find there regardless of how much he begs Harry to stop. A pretty intense scene follows of Dumbledore freaking out about having to take the nasty stuff, but it's all for the end goal. I mentioned this analogy to Mr. this morning and he told me we could re-enact it tomorrow morning. I get to writhe and sob and altogether freak out while he (all dramatically) says things like, "Just one more! I promise you can be done after just this next one!)

Oddly enough, I'm quite looking forward to the theatrics tomorrow. :)

I'm losing it

These meds are really starting to get to me. It's such an odd phenomenon. I am so used to getting shots or taking pills to make myself feel BETTER, not worse! It's weird to have to psyche myself up to get a shot or take pills that I know are going to make me feel icky and out of it all day long.

Our original plan, because we knew the meds were going to be bad, was to lay low during these six weeks and not really see anyone to avoid any embarrassing and potentially harmful conversations. Remember plans? Yep, this one has also been completely obliterated.

My father-in-law disagreed with something I had done and let me know it about 2 months ago. We agreed to disagree and left it at that. Somehow it got brought up again, and the next thing I know I was screaming at the top of my lungs at him. My FATHER-IN-LAW. 15 minutes later I was sobbing uncontrollably because I couldn't believe how disrespectful I was. Worrying that he would never forgive me. And all around being a total wreck. Shortly after, we arrived at a dinner for my work where I tried to not sob into my filet mignon.

Slightly before that little episode, Mr. and I had to make a run to Wal-mart for a few things for a baby shower I was throwing for a friend. (She's a really good friend. Otherwise, I wouldn't inflict such pain onto myself. Pretty proud that I made it through 2 hours of baby stories without losing it.) Anyhow, in Wal-mart, I was in the party supply aisle and there was a multitude of large people everywhere. I noticed one, and then another, and another, and another and they all seemed to be exactly where I needed to be!

And so I had a complete meltdown, (with full on waterworks, naturally), because there were fat, slow people in my way.

And I said that.

Out loud.

And Mr. corralled me into the car. So as to avoid being smacked like I most assuredly deserved.

What's worse is that in the next 4 weeks, both sides of our family will be staying with us at one time or another. On Thursday, my sister-in-law was having some serious medical issues and was put on bedrest. Because it's really not fun being on bedrest with 5 roommates, we offered to let her stay in our guest room. Which is totally great. We love her. Over the weekend, her boyfriend slept downstairs on our couch. Which is also totally great. Monday morning, she went back to the hospital to check the progress of her condition, and they admitted her for the rest of the week. Because the situation got a whole lot more serious than we originally thought it was, my mother-in-law flew into town that night. (The night of the work dinner) So now the sister-in-law is sleeping in the hospital, and my mother-in-law is sleeping in the guest bedroom. Which is also totally great. My mother-in-law is an angel who always knows exactly what to say and how to make me laugh at any given time.

We love our family dearly. We do. My family will be here late Thursday night for the 4th of July weekend. I'm not sure where they'll be staying because there's no guarantee that my sister-in-law will be out of the hospital by then and I'm not about to kick out my mother-in-law. Plus, entertaining 1 person who is at the hospital all day is a heck of a lot easier than entertaining six people who have absolutely nothing to do all day and are bummed that I have to work on Friday.

The family leaves Monday morning, at which point we have to drive 40 minutes to another sister-in-law's house for a barbecue on the 4th. [Please understand that any of these activities would be FINE and GREAT on their own. It's when they all pile up one after another in addition to the lovely shots and pills that I can't handle it.]

Tuesday, I'm teaching a cooking class at church.

Wednesday, I'm teaching a private web-design lesson.

Thursday, I'm working on a benefit concert for a friend of mine whose family was just involved in a tragic car accident.

THEN, another sister-in-law is coming up to stay with us for a volleyball camp at the local university and will be here all week.

After that, Mr. will be graduating with his bachelor's degree from that same university and I'm pretty sure I'm forgetting something. OH! Yes, my mom will be coming into town for the 2 "Princess Days" after transfer. Right now, I'm really wondering if I even want her there! [I do. I know I do. I just wish everyone else would get out of my house until then.]

Speaking of which, on Sunday, I got a new calling. I'm now the first counselor in the Primary presidency. Previously, when I've been asked to teach in the Primary, I spend all of Sacrament meeting watching the tears roll off my cheeks and into my lap, find a random substitute or rely on the incredible kindness of others and cry myself to sleep after leaving church early. I just have a really hard time being around kids sometimes. I walked in the door after getting the new calling and Mr. asked me how my meeting with the bishop went. I ignored him and walked upstairs.

He said, "Babe! Come down here so we can talk about it!"

and I, in all of my emotionally stable glory said, "I CAN'T COME DOWN THERE BECAUSE THEY [the sister in law and her boyfriend] ARE DOWN THERE AND I'M GOING TO LOSE IT."

And then I walked up the stairs and slammed the bedroom door, sobbing. I really need the house to myself. [Mr. is always allowed tho.]

And ya wanna know what the main thing is on my mind? It's been WEEKS since the Mr. and I had any sort of "fun" in the bedroom. [Curse you lu.pron and your stupid vaginal dry-ness...hot flashes...mood swings, etc.] Having other people in the house doesn't make it any easier to relax!

Probably TMI, but I'm 99% sure me and the Mr. are the only ones who read this. :)

Looking forward to:

• Last BCP on Saturday! WOO! Hello clear skin! 
• Brad Paisley and David Archuleta concert on Saturday! 
• The 2 tubs of potato salad in my fridge that I know my family won't touch. :) 
• A seminar by our incredible Dr. tonight. I just have to make it through 2.5 more hours 
• The Harry Potter premiere. Mr. and I will be dressing up. Our costumes will be pretty outrageous.  

And so it begins...

I never liked birth control. I went all wonky when I first started taking it right after we got married. (wonky, in this case, means completely insane). Poor Mr.

Today, I'm feeling particularly ugly. Zits have taken over both cheeks, and down my neck. One large one has set up camp smack dab in the middle of my forehead. I washed my face extra good yesterday and lightly lotioned it to keep it from being too dry.

I'm regretting the lotion.

I really am not complaining, though. I'm just grateful to see some signs that the chemicals pumping through my body are actually doing something!

Never thought I'd be grateful for acne. :)